How I found the Lord

The Lord has been pressing this issue in my prayers for a while. At first I didn't want to because i guess it would make me appear to be weak or someone to be pitied. Well, JJ finally convinced me to put this out and be a little more broken in my walk with Jesus. So, after I write this do not pity me but understand the power and hope that is in Jesus Christ.



I started my life out in less than desirable circumstances. My parents divorced when I was one years old and along with my brother, I lived with my mother until I was fourteen years old. I do not know the official reasons for them splitting up, honestly it would not matter now. The past is the past, I can learn from it but not change it. Since my dad remarried when I was about three to Robbie, and my mom remarried when I was six to Darrell Poole. I have known that man since I was four. I didn't know that I had a broken family until I was older.
God has blessed me with a wonderful family that is always very loving. Both sides get along very well even after the divorce and i think that is a gift of God. But, I'm not saying that only being able to see your dad every other weekend and on the holidays was cool. Or having to constantly explain to other kids why I had two dads and moms was just the icing of my days. I won't go on and on about this, but if you have lived through this yourself then you would understand how it effects you. And if you have not then there is no way you can understand what goes on inside someone who has.

One thing i will go into about the effects living in a broken family is doubt, fear, and the feeling of acceptance. When you live in this situation you wonder why did this happen to you? I had a hard time being able to relate to anyone in my school. I also have a skin disorder called eczema, so I had rashes all over my body. It goes to say that i didn't have many friends. I had a huge problem with being accepted by others and felt like a loser because I was not a popular kid with a normal family. And to memory, I don't think I have ever heard the words " I hate you" come out of the mouth more authentically than those people. I made sure to hang out in any groups that were totally against that type of culture. That only lead to an attitude of hatred of others and myself growing up. When i went home the air was so thick it was hard to breathe if you know what I mean. But if it were not for Mom and Darrell raising me with Christian values ( even if I did not want them or understand them at the time) I would have done horrible things and ruined my life. I don't want this to look like I don't love my family because I do with all my heart.

I used to think that I had to be perfect for God to love me. Because all the kids in church seemed to have it together and their families never had any problems. Or at least that's what they put on. They were the biggest hypocrites I ever knew. I did not want anything to do with a church if that's what was accepted as a Christian. I knew God was there, but what he wanted from me was a mystery. Going to church with my parents I heard all the stories from the Bible but didn't believe because of a hard heart and the people I saw every week but never knew their name. Christianity was not personal it was only something you had to do to be socially accepted. Besides I thought that if I didn't live a certain way God would never love me. Sadly I let people dictate what my self-worth was and what kind of person I was.

When I was around nine years old my stepmother Robbie divorced my father. She had moved out six months earlier into a condo to "figure things out and her direction in life". I saw her maybe three times during that period. After that my dad told me she had left for good. To this day I have never heard from that woman and do not understand how it is possible for someone to do that. I cannot describe how much that hurt and the insecurity it caused in my soul. It is because of this that I had so many problems with getting approval from others as my sense of worth as I grew older. And I have difficultly trusting others as a result of what she did to my family and my father.

After this event in my life ,along with my lack of friends, and nothing I felt that was any worth in my life, I thought of killing myself for the first time. If so much crap could happen to me for no reason what so ever then, there was no point in me living through any more of it. This is the way I felt at the time and I can't logically explain why I felt that way when I had a good family to go to. I really thought if I were to share how I felt that others would try and fix me to be a person that was fake. I don't think you can explain the pain a soul feels in these situations anyway, logic doesn't hold sway to a spiritual hurt. I see now that God held me in his hand those years to hold on and not give up. I did not have the courage to take my life only because of the fear of the unknown. I knew God was and that there had to be a purpose for all this, otherwise it would not matter how much I hurt inside. So I held on to a slim hope that things would turn out differently one day and all the while I still hated myself and everyone around me. This is was an anger that radiated from my bones to people from behind a fake smile.

My father remarried again and that lasted around four years. This woman was crazy and I do not exaggerate on that. She was an alcoholic and is the only person I had the urge to strangle for real in my life. Me and my brother moved in with my dad after they got married and that was the worst experience of my life. During this time I started to hurt myself to get out the pain that could not be put into words. I have stopped that since I've come to Christ. I will honestly say that I had to force myself to get out of bed by telling myself lies to accept life as it was.

When I went to college i discovered even more that people are selfish and society can offer you no answers to eternity. I found that others just fall into cultures to belong to or hide in. I had a chance to become my own man and set my own standards for living. That was exciting but I still couldn't find real loving friends or self-worth in any system of belief. People who were all into enlightenment and such still were selfish and hypocritical in their lives. I did not think God cared about me anyway so it didn't matter.

Then Kelsey started to go to this small church by KSU. At the time I was going to CTC and worked in Marietta so I didn't have alot of time to see what it was all about. He spent so much time around them I thought it was a cult. Besides in my experience Christians were shallow people who judged everything you did. So until his baptism, I had not met any of these people.
After that I started hanging out with them out of pure loneliness. It was good too meet new people who would invite me into their homes no questions asked and on a regular basis.

It has been two years (three weeks ago) since I met everyone in the college group. I met my best friends in the world JJ, Danny G., Danny S., and Micky for the first time. Over the passing months i went over to that little apartment so many times i can't remember.
During this time I had made a decision that if God didn't show himself to me by February, I was going to kill myself by any means available. That was as serious I had ever come to doing it and it scares me how definite i was on going through with it.
As time went on I started attending service, which was addicting at the time because Mandy's words had a power to them like nothing I had ever heard before. Every time I went to the apartment, it was like a door was being opened in my heart. For the first time in my life I had five hour conversations with people and they actually let me sleep at their house. They barely knew me and I was so annoying at the time. I just didn't get why people would be so kind without wanting anything from me.I was talked into buying a copy The Purpose Driven Life and started to read it as soon as I got home. On the seventh Chapter it talked about accepting Christ as your savior and letting him into your heart. So I said a prayer that was not really serious but awakening. I felt like a little voice was finally talking to me but I didn't understand what it was I was asking for. I finally got worn down from caring a burden in my heart. After one sermon where Mandy talked about God never abandoning you, how he could take away all the sin in your life, and how he will always be with you got me pretty hard. We went to Sandra's house and did some praise and worship with the lights off. I do not remember a single word that was sung that night because I could only hear myself screaming out to God on the inside.
I told God that I finally give up. If your real come to me and take my heart, it is yours. I surrendered all that I was to the will of God at that moment. And I cannot describe what happened inside of me in that moment to its full beauty. I could hear a faint but massive choir singing and it felt as though a flood of light had entered my body. Then I felt my soul come to life. After singing I went to talk to a brother and confessed what had happened to me. I cried my eyes out and thanked him for loving me.

Four months later I moved in with Danny and JJ into our townhouse.

For those of you who read this remember, I ask that you don't pity me. Look at what God has done through me and PRAISE HIM FOR HIS GLORY. I use my life as a reminder of where I come from and that the only reason I am able to write this is because the Lord wills it. I know that God saved me from myself and has a purpose for me. I thank all you who help me on my journey to the cross and thank God for your love in my life. There might be some of you that out of my immaturity I have hurt or angered since you have known me or you believe that I feel mutually the same towards you. I asked that you all would forgive me of whatever it is I have done. I want you to know that I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU ALL NO MATTER WHAT. AGAIN I SAY I WILL ALWAYS LOVE ALL OF YOU. And through the strength of God I want that love to show more everyday. And the end of this I hope you can ask for yourself how great is our God! Fro those of you who have had similar experiences in life, I will tell you this, you have to step into the unknown person of God on his terms not your own. He is real and loves you tremendously. He is waiting for you to come to him and accept his love for you. While my heart was prepared by my life's circumstances to come to the cross, it only took a moment to make that decision. It is my hope that you can read this and understand that it only takes a moment for you to do the same.

God bless all of you who read this.